I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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