they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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