I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
