I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
