I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
