I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My bed smells like the plague
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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