Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
