and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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