ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
