i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
