...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
