she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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