my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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