I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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