I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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