i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
