I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
