omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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