Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
