What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
