Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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