The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
