It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
