Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
