please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
