dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
