I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
