i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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