I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize