Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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