The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
