this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
