Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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