OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
