i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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