Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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