i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
