I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
