I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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