Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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