I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
