dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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