why didn't you poke me back
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
