All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
