Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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