did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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