so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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