I am puke
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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