This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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