you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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