just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
