Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
