my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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