this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
