last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
