I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize