I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
