we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
