you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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