Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
