She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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