Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
