Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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