I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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