moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
