please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
