in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
