I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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