I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
