i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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