You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
