I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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