im six kinds of drunk right now
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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