While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
