My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
