Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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