I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
